Walking in the neighborhoods of your mind
How relating to the disavowed parts of you, changes everything
“You shouldn’t be angry!”.
No, it wasn’t a person yelling at me; merely a voice between my ears. I had just found out I was betrayed; my best friend was having sex with my girlfriend behind my back!
“You should try to understand!”, it kept on.
The tone was now softer. It was playing the good cop by placing an imaginary hand on my shoulders and saying:
“I mean, there must be a reason they did that, you can’t see yet. Give it time. Be sensible. Put yourself in their shoes!”
But I couldn’t. All I wanted was to run to his place to punch him in the face and scream at the top of my lungs to her. I was boiling inside. At the same time, I was gaslighting myself to look the other way. The truth felt like a ten-ton wrecking ball, speeding like a bullet toward my construct of reality.
“How could he do this to me? And how can I want to hurt him so bad for that?” I wondered with tears in my eyes.
These violent impulses scared me. They had long been swimming underwater like sharks into my subconscious. That event, made them rise up to the surface, showing their dorsal fin and making themselves known to the conscious part of my brain.
“Shit! But I am a nice guy! I can’t be having these thoughts right? I should be more loving!”
I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but I can see now that nothing could be further from the truth. It makes sense though.
Growing up, being angry was not encouraged. It made my parents edgy, cold, and distant, while other people withdrew. I got the message that having that fire in my belly when someone did me wrong was evil, bad, and shameful. As a result, I ended up burying that part of me alive.
And, It didn’t work! Huh? Who would’ve guessed it?
“Paint it black” bacame the motto of my life. Chronic pain nested in my joints, stopping me from exercising, dancing, and moving my body freely. Most relationships sunk out of pent-up resentment from the inability to speak up. Hearts were broken and oceans of tears were wept. A dark cloud was hovering over my head; It read depression. Like a dementor, it sucked my soul day in and day out. All of these, were dire consequences of stuffing down such vital, fiery energy, as the one of anger.
Studies done on Emotional Intelligence, and the relationship between Resilience and Success, show that in order to lead a happy and meaningful life, it is tantamount to be in touch with all of our emotions. To be able to cry when we are sad. To shake fiercely to expel our anger. To light up and scream in enthusiasm. In short, to be animated by the life force running through us any way it wants.
Knowing that didn’t help though. I was far apart from most of my emotions, and I couldn’t quite grasp in my head exactly what they are and the role they play in life.
One day it clicked. I came across this clever metaphor, and a lightbulb shone brightly above my head:
“Emotions are the language your parts use to communicate their needs.”
How brilliant and to the point! I was never taught that emotions are a means of delivering a message. I just thought they were a nuisance, and evolutionary residue to be suppressed with social media and porn. Fortunately, it was about that time that I started therapy.
Many people still think there is something wrong with them for needing therapy. That they are somehow crazy, broken. I disagree. A more empowering perspective is this:
“Therapy is for people who never got the chance to hang out with parts of themselves enough so that they could build a relationship with them.”
I like to Imagine all the different parts of myself, residing in separate neighborhoods in my mind. Each place is different. Some are more cozy and welcoming, like the happy one. There, it is constantly warm and the weather is sunny, with big green parks and tall oak trees. Others, like the angry one, might be scary. Full of loud, aggressive energy, bright lights, and bold colors, with people yelling and shouting. Or like the scared one, always dark and foreboding. Narrow streets threaten to swallow you at night and tall buildings loom over you.
When I was young, these places made my skin crawl! It was almost impossible to visit alone.
I had been playing hide and seek with them, so much so, that I ended up forgetting how to reach them, stay, and eventually relate to the part of me residing there.
I needed help. I needed someone to show me the way. Therapists became tour guides in what seemed like a foreign country. They held space for me as if taking me by the hand, while we walked in the neighborhoods of my mind where those disavowed parts can be found.
I got to meet those “beings” of my soul “in the flesh”. I sat down next to them and kept them company. I was curious, listening with open ears for any grievances they might have, nodding my head without opening my mouth to interrupt. We had deep, meaningful conversations, and I was able to clearly see their point of view. I changed from a sworn enemy to a dear friend.
In time, the more I walked in these areas and stayed for a visit, the more relaxed and comfortable I got. I even noticed that sometimes my body was tingling with excitement to be there and catch up, to listen for any unspoken needs so that I could best serve in meeting them.
Eventually, I could stand on my own two feet and dared to let go of the adult hand I was holding.
I became the adult I always needed.
By doing so, I related to myself in a whole new way. I got to embody the parent I wanted to have had growing up, present for the small children that are my parts. Warm. Loving.
The quality of my life has dramatically improved. I have now meaningful loving relationships since I am in touch with my anger and able to set appropriate boundaries. I am feeling healthy and energized most of the time! This comes from being in contact with my desires and going after them. Nothing makes me want to jump out of bed more than pursuing what I love!
My day-to-day experience is enriched, for I am able to help people going through struggles similar to mine and support them in a really effective way.
In the same way, I received support. First from the outside as I took baby steps to begin giving it inside. It all started, with the willingness to take a walk in the places I was most afraid of.
What neighborhoods in your mind are you afraid to walk in?
What is it costing you?
What if you let someone help by walking together with you?
How extraordinary could your life become?
Yiannis!!! I resonated so deeply with this piece. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable in your writing and sharing this with us. I could relate to so many incidents and learnings you mentioned like discovering the importance of emotions for the first time and the suppression of emotions during childhood. I have only recently discovered Parts work and have begun to get more insights into it. Your essay further inspired me to continue on my own path of becoming an adult! :)
What a beautiful lesson you've shared with all of us. Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable piece.