Gaslighting was his go-to way of showing upset. He was a senior doctor and I was a resident. I walked on eggshells around him. He got off on abusing power and even though I wanted to protest, It was like cat got my tongue.
We both were at the emergency department of my hospital and I had made a mistake. My body braced. It knew what was coming. Sure enough, In front of clueless patients and other colleagues, he started putting me down in a covert passive-aggressive way. The fire of anger in me got brighter and hotter as It had been building up from all the times I had stayed silent. It felt like It would explode if I didn’t allow it to come out. It spewed forth like molten lava flying away from an erupting volcano:
"This is bullying, I won't take it anymore!" I barked.
His eyes became wide open, and like a deer in headlights, he froze. A few seconds passed, and he regained movement in his facial muscles uttering:
"Why are you saying that Yiannis? You know I respect and like you.”
”I say it because it is the truth!" I replied while standing upright, unscathed by his manipulation attempt. “This is bullying!”
I returned home that day and glanced at the mirror. The corners of my mouth were defying gravity, rising towards the sky. A smile, bigger than I had ever seen showed up on my face. It was because of the words I dared voice and the sequence I put them in. It took 30 years, and for the first time in my life, I had stood up to a bully.
In my early years, I was picked on consistently for being a nice, overweight, good student. Why did it not stop after one or two incidents? Because I was tolerating it. You receive the behavior that you are willing to tolerate. Growing up, I was never taught by my parents how to fight against such attacks, set appropriate boundaries and say no.
This all changed during my residency. Working in a state hospital was like trying to make a living in a warzone. Innumerous amount of patients would verbally attack and threaten me for waiting too long, superiors would wag their fingers and yell at me to get stuff done, and my colleagues never hesitated to stick a knife in my back to get a step ahead. I needed to speak up. Until I was able to say what needs to be said I suffered. I stuffed my anger in my body. Life was horrible. It was a jungle out there, and the rule was: Adapt or die.
I survived by practicing the art of assertiveness. Instead of running away from sweaty conversations, I leaned in. Instead of looking away when someone was mistreated, I raised my voice and fought back. I drew the line around my vital personal space. I stood my ground.
It was no walk in the park. Countless times, I fell flat on my face when authority figures yelled and shot me down for speaking my truth. But I had the fire in me. It keep burning like a thousand suns and fueled me to keep going, even when I failed. And that’s why I succeeded.
Day by day, I grabbed the helm of the ship - my life. As the captain, I was steering. It was no longer about what they did, it was about what I said. What I did. How I showed up. Advocating for myself, I took full responsibility for my feelings and needs.
And it saved my life.
wow, great story. inspirational!
It's crazy that the words "hospital and war zone" could ever be used in the same sentence, outside of the front lines of an actual war, but my sister-in-law is an emergency room doctor and says the same thing. Inspiring story about learning to stand up to the abuse. Good boundaries are the distance at which our relationships can thrive.